Let's Talk About Our Feelings

2009-07-31T01:58:00.000-07:00

ambition is an unforgiving stimulant with denial and bitterness as their main side effects. strongly habit-forming and never satisfying.

the good

2009-07-08T23:33:00.001-07:00

so i am now officially a second year analyst and i am also on the verge of leaving and doing something completely different. god, so many times this year i have wanted to rip my hairs out one by one, tie them together and choke myself with them. on the other hand, one finds that whenever a group of intelligent, ambitious yuppies is stuck in an office for 17 hours a day, good times inevitably have to exist, if only rarely. some things i will probably not forget:

1. Blasting Sandstorm on repeat for four hours straight (and only after the second hour did we get complaints. Then we kept going.)

2. Tonight, we blasted Sandstorm again while fake raving and screwing around with every control panel we could find to get the lights to flicker on and off.

3. B and S hiding my keys every goddamn night. Usually in the freezer inside a cup of frozen ice. Sometimes in my fries.

4. J and me giving our staffing updates in pictionary form on B's whiteboard along with picture of our avatar du jour. Previous avatars have included Jack Sparrow, Gumby, Bowzer, Wally from Dilbert and Edward Scissorhands.

5. Throwing objects at J that get progressively bigger, heavier and more dangerous.

6. Watching T run away from B and his BB gun.

7. Walking into B's office to take a nap.

8. Taking a nap in front of my boss.

9. Coming back to work at midnight after a few drinks at a bar and getting all of my work wrong.

10. Receiving disgusting pictures from S in every email I have ever gotten from him.

11. Blasting Kelly Clarkson because I like it.

12. Making fun of R's name every time it's mentioned.

13. Ordering 7 quarter pounders with cheese for dinner so that we could try to win a million bucks in monopoly.

14. Winning 180 bux on a scratch card, then rolling some of that money along with 140 bux in additional raised capital from the rest of the office into a $240 lottery scratch card fund that paid out $80.

15. Ordering S liver for dinner because he loves it so much.

16. Saying "meow" at the end of every sentence in a conversation with the cab dispatcher.

17. Seeing everyone get completely wasted at the holiday party.

18. I have a pirate hat made out of cardboard.

19. Going to 7-11 for red bull, beef jerky, ramen and beer at 2 AM and heading back into the office.

20. Inventing new chess games, finding unblocked flash games and reading geekologie way too much.

21. Every computer prank ever.

22. Falling asleep at my desk and waking up to my entire desk covered in tissues.

23. Attaching binder clips to J's coat right before she leaves. She often doesn't notice until a week or so later.

24. Watching B complain about stomach pain for a week and then finding out he had appendicitis and almost died, then seeing his poop bag after a month in the hospital.

25. Watching Lost in HD on a 60 inch screen because I don't want to work.

26. Becoming a complete gossip whore.

27. Shouting obscenities and profanities to everyone after 7pm every night.

28. Untucking my shirt (sometimes unbuttoning the second button oo la la), changing into my slippers, putting on my hoodie and looking like a complete bum.

29. Leaving 14 cups on my desk, which prompted the office manager to send me multiple messages telling me to clean my shit up.

30. Listening to "cougar" stories.

31. Dancing like a maniac to techno music and numa numa.

31. Slowly learning that I can have fun and keep my sanity even in hell.

2009-03-31T02:31:00.001-07:00

why is it that we are the only office not just in my bank but in all of wall street that consistently leaves after midnight and often has nights after 4? why did my fellow analyst leave work after 5 am consistently ON WEEKENDS and why am i writing this at 4:30 with 4 hours until work? i'm done.

2009-03-17T00:53:00.000-07:00

i'm feeling a small sense of urgency, seeing as how i very much want to find something else and am running out of time to find it...ah!

2009-03-02T03:34:00.001-08:00

consensus among my fellow analysts in my group: life sucks.

anger

2009-02-16T02:25:00.000-08:00

im sorry but it's just not fair that during a time when advisory revenues are way down and M&A is almost stagnant that my group's analysts are working 95+ EVERY week, while the group right next to us, which is supposedly is extremely busy with real revenue-generating deals, regularly has its analysts leaving at 9 every night. there is no reason why our group, which is making nothing, should force its analysts to do shitloads of shitty work to "build relationships" and whatever crap. no other group in the company is working as hard as us, and i can only really track it down to the group's culture and the fact that every analyst in the group has so far worked his ass off, and it is thus expected of us to work our asses off and make twice as many pages as any other. it's not worth the extra bonus, especially in today's market when the difference between top and bottom bonus will be just enough to say "thank you for your extra dedication to the firm. nevermind that the additional hours you put in are equivalent to an extra fulltime job or that all of your social relationships are strained and that your brain is now as flaccid as a used condom, it's a downturn so we have to be extra stringent."

i must admit

2009-02-09T23:53:00.000-08:00

in truth, while the job has at times been downright inhumane, while i bitch about it nonstop and wish i could be doing something better, it has been an experience. it has been something i won't forget, but not in that "exploring the jungle" or "saving 30 orphans" kind of way, but in something altogether satisfying and unfulfilling. my life over the past 7 months has been a life of greed, selflessness, poverty and decadence.

hello again

2009-01-25T20:28:00.001-08:00

apologies that it's been such a long time, but in truth i really haven't any time to write, what with holidays and work and trying so desperately to have some faint form of a social life.

i've gotten more used to work and sitting in my cube for 16 hours a day. most of the time i think i get along with my coworkers, although i definitely feel like i'm not really like them. i'm probably too nerdy for my job.

a few people got laid off in my office, and i must say that it's kind of freaky and scary to witness this. every time i see the big boss walk towards me, part of me cringes and just hopes that he doesn't call me into his office to "talk." another part of me, however, kind of wants it. to be let go would mean never having to walk in there on a saturday again, never having to disappoint my friends (at least the ones that still know i exist) with my cancellations. it would be nice to kind of start over again and really think carefully about my next move.

i think i do want something more academically stimulating. in order to be good at this job, you need to really like it and devote your life to it. this goes with business, in general, i think. noone will pay you that much money unless you're willing to put that much time and commitment to it.

maybe i should find a job that is more quantitative. the hours would be better, i'd probably enjoy the work more, and i'd probably get along better with my coworkers. but where do i find this job? noone is reallyhiring these days, right? what kind of job would do this? would i get bored with it eventually?

i've kinda also wanted to go back to school. grad school in econ would either be really awesome or really shitty. i'm not sure if i like it enough. i feel that much of economics is keeping up with and studying current events, and i'm not sure i like that.

and yes there is still a part of me interested in medical school. i've learned that it's doable; i can start taking classes and volunteering this fall and probably be done with all classes by next spring/semester. if i'm motivated, i can take mcats in the fall and apply the year after. while i guess i'm worried about timing, i am only 21 and age should really not matter. the obvious issue is if i would like it. i do like science, and i do think that the job would be interesting. while sitting in my cube, i've often had these thoughts that i should use my talents to actually help the world and not merely leech the excess cash from bloated corporations. there are of course many ways to do this outside of medicine, but i've always found it such a cool skill to have that is so unlike the skill of, say, projecting company cash flows, which has limited use outside the cube. i worry, though, that it may not be stimulating enough though, and get boring after a while. i've heard that many md's change paths after a while, that they eventually get bored with practice, but they have the skills to do something new. dunno.

med schooland grad schools are big commitments, but at the same time, i think i'd enjoy them, just cuz i like learning. i have the same possibilities that i did months ago when i thought bout post-analyst opportunities, but have i made any progress? not sure. all i know is that time is running out until i really have to figure out what i'm doing in september.

2008-12-02T07:36:00.000-08:00

1. I've rediscovered the blogs and livejournals that i used to read back in the day. it's odd that i forgot about them and it's nice to go through yummy nostalgia.
2. same ol' turmoil...
3. I've realized that I really miss college. Enjoy it, you who know not my anxiety.
4. I am probably not ready to be an adult just yet.
5. 24 is back on!!
6. I have 7 more months until the beginning of july....o glorious july....
7. It is now probably too late to apply for graduate school. I love how I procrastinated since I began entertaining the notion in early October. Maybe this is for the better, since I'm not really 100% about going and I'm thinking about other options now, but it kinda makes me sad.
8. It's getting cold...too cold...
9. Two more weeks until things die down! Although things aren't too intense now, I would like to leave before midnight again.
10. More to come as I try to avoid more work...

it is too quiet

2008-12-01T11:15:00.001-08:00

1. I've rediscovered the blogs and livejournals that i used to read back in the day. it's odd that i forgot about them and it's nice to go through yummy nostalgia.

2. same ol' turmoil...

3. I've realized that I really miss college. Enjoy it, you who know not my anxiety.

4. I am probably not ready to be an adult just yet.

5. 24 is back on!!

6. I have 7 more months until the beginning of july....o glorious july....

7. It is now probably too late to apply for graduate school. I love how I procrastinated since I began entertaining the notion in early October. Maybe this is for the better, since I'm not really 100% about going and I'm thinking about other options now, but it kinda makes me sad.

8. It's getting cold...too cold...

9. Two more weeks until things die down! Although things aren't too intense now, I would like to leave before midnight again.

10. More to come as I try to avoid more work...

ok seriously

2008-12-01T09:35:00.003-08:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

matching peacoats

2008-11-24T12:16:00.008-08:00

my friend and i got matching peacoats this saturday, this glorious day of freedom from corporate oppression. black wool coats on sale at macy's. we were kings of old orchard. self-pronounced, yes, but if you saw the faces of passers-by you would argue otherwise.

i'm still alive part 2

2008-11-09T23:06:00.000-08:00

so i have been working more often that i've not been working and it's been taking its toll on me. i have strong doubts about whether i want to continue with it and i'm starting to think that i want something more quantitative, more nerdy. unfortunately i don't quite fit in with the whole upscale life that i'm surrounded by and while the people at work are really nice and cool, i'm not sure i belong.

i'm feeling like having that sense of belonging and purpose, that feeling that i was made to do this, is more important to me than money or other things. and maybe in a 9-5 job i'd be able to handle the work environment better than a 9-1 job. on the other hand, i do tend to enjoy my job more after 5, as things are much more lax and we have some freedom to goof around and stuff.

i'm not sure what i really want to do. i've been seriously thinking about graduate school, but i don't know if i'll be able to get into a good program, and i don't know if i really know what economists actually do. while i would enjoy the intellectual stimulation i fear that it will be 4-6 years of hell all for preparing for something i didn't really want.

i've thought about a 9-5 job but i wouldn't know where to start looking.

and i've thought about engineering and med school again if only because it's possible.

what is my path?!?!?!

in other very important news, i apologize to all my friends (especially my gf) that i've not been able to hang out or talk or do anything. i am literally in my office all the time.

in other other news, i'm going back home for thanksgiving! it will be awesome to a high degree.

ahem

2008-10-23T02:16:00.000-07:00

some people might think it's unreasonable for your boss to assign you work at 1:45 AM. not me.

i'm still alive

2008-10-22T06:58:00.000-07:00

yes, i haven't posted in ages, and no, i am not dead. i'm just working 90 hours a week, getting no sleep, no exercise, no social interaction all for a career path i will probably ditch before it starts getting good. but it's not like i am unhappy. of the few relationships i do have, i'm able to appreciate them more, and while i'm stuck in an office for most of my current life, the work is not insanely hard (part of the reason why i wanna do something else) and the people are nicer than expected. i've thought about doing random things after i leave this place and i've realized that money and respect don't mean much when you have no opportunity to appreciate them. life will go on and so will these blogs, but for now i must put both on hold and enter work slightly later than usual.

2008-09-10T06:24:00.000-07:00

it has been a long time, yes, and, yes, when i have the time to sit down and unload, take my kids to the pool, yes, it will be glorious.

2008-07-14T20:15:00.000-07:00

this love stuff is not cut out for me. give it to the prizefighters and the poets and the doctors. spare me the shame of realizing that i am an empty pod who has no capacity to love and beat me not when i am lying half-drunk in an alley by the sewage drain. it may be lonely, but ready or not, i make the world better this way.

quick post before work

2008-07-14T04:59:00.001-07:00

so far, training has been easier than expected, and the people nicer than expected. ny is an amazing city and i spent this weekend exploring the crowded streets of midtown and enjoying the smells and digestive issues involved with street food. sometimes it fills me with dread to think that i'll be going through this massive amount of work and stress for nothing, since i don't think i want to continue with this as a full-time career. for some reason, i feel entitled to something better. shame on me. ok, onto learning about the balance sheet!!!

quick post before i pass out

2008-07-08T00:01:00.000-07:00

so my 'summer' is ending quite soon, my last real summer break for a very very long time. feels weird. i live everyday in the present so i never ever comprehend the immensity of finishing school and starting my life as a working 'adult.' it's a mix of many emotions: sad when looking at the past, afraid when looking into the future, and excited when thinking about the present. an emotion sandwich, ya?

many fears about my ability to fit in and succeed in this new job, but i'm looking forward to life on my own, having a biweekly salary, testing out the waters of a brave new world, and living on my own for the first time.

the good

2008-06-03T23:26:00.000-07:00

the year is almost over and i feel a lot of sadness about leaving the really important people of my life, if only for a few weeks. but i'd like to recognize some of the good things that have happened to me in the past few days:

my gf and i are like THIS (fingers crossed)
i am excited about my job next year
my advisor recently suggested turning my honors thesis into a paper that can be published in an academic journal. it would take a lot of work, but it would be really cool
i'm thinking about going to graduate school, and excited for the possibilities
i got my old hard drive to work so now i can play civ and listen to music
i'm waking up at noon everyday
i'm looking forward to finding a cool apartment
i like where i'm at

2008-05-16T23:55:00.000-07:00

i feel that i, a product of intense schooling and haughty expectations, should be writing less about myself and more about non-me issues. hmmm....

2008-05-04T01:09:00.000-07:00

the thesis is due this friday and panic is running through my blood like the bulls in pamplona. i think i've learned a lot from the experience. for example, i learned the horrific extent to which i procrastinate so that i don't have to do work. i also learned that i do like doing academic research, even though there are thousands of frustrations that one will inevitably encounter when one ventures to answer hard questions. all this work just to have 10 extra letters added to my degree...sigh.

i have about 7 weeks until i graduate, 5 weeks until the end of school proper. i must say that my college experience has been...atypical? unusual? definitely not a cookie cutter college experience, and for someone who has constantly been tempted to become cookie cutter, i would imagine it to be a good thing. while it's at times upsetting to have felt like an outsider throughout my entire college experience, i've grown more aware of who and what really matters in my life.

however, i still don't feel mature enough to be an adult, and it's possible that i never will. i don't think i'll ever reach a point where i'll say, "yes. i am happy with what i've done." this is probably bad. i feel like i need fixing and it's hard for me to feel content with the general timeline of my life. for me, college was supposed to be when i figured things out and actually became a competent member of society. but it's foolish of me to expect me to become a confident, morally upright individual by the time i graduate. it will be a long journey of self-discovery, one that will probably not end until i am good and dead. but i guess that's how i like it.

the birds

2008-04-22T02:10:00.000-07:00

ive been up for a while. i hear birds chirping. sigh.

nerd

2008-04-22T02:00:00.001-07:00

the nerd in me wants to create a new blog dedicated to miscellaneous explorations of economics and life. something like freakonomics written by a lousy college student. details to come for some.

deus ex machina

2008-04-20T23:39:00.001-07:00

i was sitting there despairing over my horrible thesis plight when my friend gave me this website that had all of the data i needed, data that i had spent weeks looking for. i want to give everyone an orgasm.

the question

2008-04-14T02:48:00.001-07:00

when i am done i will require fanfare and a hard drink or else i will forget it all.

the answer

2008-04-14T02:46:00.000-07:00

because i am a horrible person and should be simultaneously punished and rewarded for it.

acid flashback

2008-03-09T18:48:00.001-07:00

in my room hangs a hook on which i place my towels. today, i realized that for the past few days, i'd been using the same white and peach striped towel for the shower, and then it hit me that this hook, with its many towels attached to it, was a LIFO stack. god.

red eye

2008-03-03T02:01:00.000-08:00

it is 4 am and i just discovered a glitch in my options pricing project that could explain why our results were so messed up. see, i am very productive at 4 am.

in other news, i have not been very productive and it looks like tomorrow night will be more of the same, but with actual work to do. project to finish, paper to write, thesis to thesisize, this senior year is going just as planned.

in other other news, i talked w/ another transfer today and we concluded that the life of a transfer is not a fun one, and i would consider myself one of the lucky ones. so many regrets (mb i should've actually paid attention during senior year of HS...) but here i am and i'm not at a bad spot.

in other other other news, i am looking forward to many things: spring break with the Other (w0000000000000t), receiving my longboard later this week (just sick), and having nothing to do next quarter except board around campus, fall asleep on the grass, get very very drunk, and worry about the thesis which, if unfinished, will put me below the residency requirement and prevent me from graduating.

now if you'll excuse me, i am going to pass out in the basement.

but you said...

2008-02-29T01:14:00.001-08:00

i'm really not a good traveler. i too often fall into the habit of foregoing adventure for the closest relic of home that i can find. my legs get tired easily. i don't like walking. i'm mistrustful of people, especially people who don't speak my language. i hate flying. i'm always too lazy to do anything but stay in a hotel room and fiddle through the tv stations. i get bored with learning about culture, history, politics, art, geography, and individuals. and after the first few days of naivete, i spend every other second thinking about my return flight and wondering if i should get the magazine or the paper to read on the plane.

for these reasons and precisely these reasons, i want to take a trip outside the country when i graduate. hell, if the trip is enticing enough, i might even miss graduation (my relationship with my university is far too tenuous to merit any kind of mass celebration) to get some more time in. i want to be on my feet. i want to shake hands with my newest best friend and go on an adventure. i want to drop my bag and passport at the hotel and not see it again until i check out. i want the scenery around me to eclipse all thoughts i have of the past and future. once the trip is done, i want to cherish that last second before i step into the cab to go to the airport and remember that my life is not a grade or a profession or a brand name, but a soul created by my senses and completed by my actions.

something new

2008-02-24T02:00:00.000-08:00

as it is late and i am incoherent, i figured that only typing ever 5 words of every sentence would probably make as much sense as writing out the entire thing, so why waste time?

I really really hate piss can mistakes I with all transferring at been truly wonderful will and ever I as hard fears me to am say about popularity what constantly I so am rest goals that grow sit to must stars.

2008-02-22T03:40:00.001-08:00

it's 5:40 AM and i'm happy because i think i actually have an idea for a thesis (though i will spare you the boredom suffered from knowing what it is). i'm also sad because i have to be up in three hours to buy a book that i have to read by 12:15. grrr school. am i trying too hard for a senior?

i dunno

2008-02-11T22:46:00.000-08:00

i think i'm passive-aggressive.

Symptoms:

Ambiguity
Avoiding responsibility by claiming forgetfulness
Blaming others
Chronic lateness and forgetfulness
Complaining
Does not express hostility or anger openly - (e.g., expresses it instead by leaving notes)
Fear of authority
Fear of competition
Fear of dependency
Fear of intimacy (infidelity as a means to act out anger)
Fosters chaos
Intentional inefficiency
Making excuses
Losing things
Lying
Obstructionism
Procrastination
Resentment
Resists suggestions from others
Sarcasm
Stubborness
Sullenness

meh.

yawn

2008-02-11T01:30:00.001-08:00

today for an instant i was sure of my destiny and then in an instant i went back to being myself. it's kind of sad being always three seconds away from my current self...

cny is over. *phew*. i don't think i'm emphasized how much i actually hate performing. anxiety, dread, fear...the stage is not for me. it's only in crowded restaurants with firecrackers blasting and my head neatly hidden under a papier-mache lion can i actually enjoy it. when there's a stage and hundreds of eyes looking at you, my insides tense up and my palms start condensing like the outside of a soda bottle. i hate the limelight in all colors, especially lime.

cny prep was fun. it always is. it always brings out the kid in me and i don't think i can really ever view it in any other light. even in an instructor role, i see no reason why i can't view the performance as anything other than a bunch of guys running around in costume, scaring the hell out of people. during times like these i often wonder if i could somehow do this professionally and give up the facade of attempting to function as yet another suit-wearing yuppie.

there are places where i fit, and there are places where i don't. for some reason, i don't have the audacity or insight to make the distinction, or, when given the distinction, make the right decision. there are things in this life that i feel like i need so much, but when i get them, i just feel sicker, like a junkie waiting on a street corner for another fix.

normally, i would think that my inability to make correct decisions is not be a huge problem. but the issue is that i am a senior and i am graduating. i'm leaving college feeling like i haven't learned a thing and as naive and stupid as i was four years ago. where was that epic epiphany that was supposed to +1 my experience level and transform me into a man? where were those trials and tribulations meant to harden the soul and toughen the mind? why do i feel like every attempt i make at doing the right thing invariably ends up with me lying on my bed and wondering what went wrong?

i am forever the lion's tail, destined to see the world with eyes tilted downward, following another's steps while my back hardens toward irreparable disfigurement.

dusk

2008-01-23T22:04:00.000-08:00

it is midnight. 50 minutes ago, i woke up from a 4 hour nap and now i am groggy and staring blankly at pretty much everything in front of me. i kind of feel like someone stole my left sock while i was sleeping and is hiding close behind, waiting for the right moment to steal my other sock.

this thesis is kind of killing me because i feel so drained of good ideas and i have only a few days to commit to a topic. so many things interest me, but there's already so much literature out there, that i feel like i dont have anything to contribute. what i really want to do is play more heroes, start up online poker again, and open an account with a discount broker. oh, and get a vespa, work out in the gym, and play freerice (www.freerice.com!).

sometimes i wonder where i will be in three years. i know the exact location (to the street and office floor!) of where i will be over the next two, but i can imagine a few things happening:
1. I am back at home with enough money saved up to find an abandoned ship off the coast of Mexico and renovate it.
2. I am back at home with no money and two angry people yelling at me for my addiction.
3. I am in a big city still not knowing what I want to do with my life and thinking that I might as well work while I'm trying to figure this out (eventually realizing that this will probably be my mindset until I am 50 and unhappy).
4. I am in some third world country for the following possible reasons:
a. I am in Peace Corps because I want to experience the non-corporate world.
b. I am spending all of my savings on a trip that will never end.
c. I am running away from something.
5. I am in one of the following schools:
a. B-school after understanding what is my calling and wanting to pay thousands of dollars to feel important.
b. Grad school after realizing that I can't deal w/ the corporate world and would much rather think about abstractions and social constructs.
c. Engineering all over again because I like sciency things and working w/ my hands.
d. Pre-med post-bacc because somehow two years spent dealing with C-levels and rich people has convinced me that I would like to see these people naked and examine their orifices.

the plate

2008-01-21T22:06:00.000-08:00

winter quarter, my last ever (*sigh*), is around me, and i, in an effort to update the masses of my condition, present to you the things that are on my plate.

1. THESIS rhymes w/ RHESUS! Like the monkey, it can be found in grasslands, woodlands, and in mountainous regions up to 2,500 meters in elevation; i.e., everywhere except for where i am now. i have a few ideas which are sounding more ridiculous every day, and i really need to get something going or else i fail two classes, not that it REALLY matters at this point, but who knows.

2. APARTMENT rhymes w/ DEPARTMENT! So I need to get one, preferably north but not too north, preferably cheap but not trashy, preferably perfect.

3. LIVING LIFE TO THE FULLEST does not rhyme w/ anything! And for this reason, I will abstain from it.

food

2008-01-01T23:15:00.000-08:00

so i have been reading kitchen confidential by anthony bourdain, and i have learned so much about restaurants that i at first wanted to start my own restaurant, then soon understood why that would be the worst possible investment of my time.

anyway, i thought i would give you a few pointers taken straight outta the book regarding restaurant cuisine that i think i will live by.

1. Do not order fish on Monday. It is old and not for you.
2. Do not eat mussels unless they are known for their mussels. Pretty much, don't eat any cheap shady seafood (sorry, house of sushi...)
3. Sunday brunch is a bad idea, because brunch is served only once a week, so that means the food meant for brunch is either sitting there for weeks, or that it comes from leftovers from the preceding week.
4. Hollandaise sauce is evil.
5. If a restaurant has a dirty bathroom, it probably has a REALLY dirty kitchen. If a restaurant has an unkempt waiter or chef, it probably has a REALLY dirty staff and kitchen.
6. Something that sounds like it would be made for Sunday night dinner at Sargent is probably just that.
7. Swordfish has parasitic worms.
8. Discount sushi is a bad sign. :-(
9. Well-done steaks are old, crappy meat saved up especially for people who order their steaks well-done and can't tell the difference between fresh or stale meat cooked in this fashion. I like mine medium-rare, thank you.
10. Chicken is much filthier than pork.
11. If a restaurant is known for a certain dish and cranks out that dish every hour of the night, then it's probably safe and awesome. If a restaurant is known for a certain dish and offers something else that noone ever orders, then it probably sucks. Don't order it.
12. Tuesday through Thursday is the best time to eat. Fridays and Saturdays are usually really busy and full of anal customers that chefs and waitstaff hate.

yep.

hello boulder

2007-12-23T23:24:00.000-08:00

so this winter break has made me realize how much going to an over-priced private school in the midwest SUCKS. people ask me if transferring was a good decision. for my bank account, yes (and then no after i waste my money on ties and shirts that don't fit me). for my soul, that is TBA. in boulder, i ran into a guy, smart guy, from high school the other day who plans to spend the next two years of his life living from his truck, climbing whatever he can get his hands on, getting into adventures. two months earlier in evanston, i met a guy, smart guy, who is a premed engineer econ major who may one day go into investment banking.

"They danced down the streets like dingledodies, and I shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!""

i live as two souls these days: one is chasing after the mad ones, the other is chasing after the popular ones. two targets that are never one and the same. i am boulder colorado in all its breathtaking, fuck-it i'm walking barefoot to class, beauty and i am evanston illinois in all its wannabe cosmo, thomas pink cutaway collar slim fit, extravagance. and it is with quiet shame and resignation that i've let the latter win.

Life is Confusing

2007-12-18T23:12:00.000-08:00

Back at home. Fall term is over. Nothing has changed. This is what I know.

The Future

2007-11-06T10:52:00.000-08:00

So I can now proudly say that I will be in Chicago next year. I will be working at a bank and I will work very very hard. If I'm lucky, I will be able to see the sun. But it should be quite fun.

update

2007-10-31T17:14:00.000-07:00

So the job search + working + having a full courseload are taking their toll on poor me. I am beyond tired, and while it is reassuring to receive interview invitations, it is also frustrating because each interview requires time, patience, a clean suit, and a small sacrifice of my grades. I have an offer from one company that is requiring a decision by Monday, and I am at the point where I don't even know what I want to do. Yay.

adieu, childhood

2007-10-09T22:12:00.001-07:00

This is my last day as a teenager on this sweet earth. :-(

oui

2007-09-27T22:55:00.000-07:00

hello school.

it's almost a week into school and i am burned out. i have done no work. i am taking chinese. i don't know what classes i'm going to take. i don't want to get a job. i don't want to graduate. i want a useful major. i want a purpose. i want to hike across the world. i want to sleep under a tent. i want to sleep under a straw hut. i want to sleep under the stars. i do not want to be a 19-year-old entering the job market. i want to solve a rubik's cube. i want to belong.

i...see...foreign service officers

2007-08-15T20:09:00.000-07:00

so that makes it twice that i've run into random people in DC and found out that they were foreign service officers at state. the first one was carrying an APEC tote bag, which immediately caught my attention and forced me to ask, "Excuse me, but how the hell did you get an APEC tote bag?" He apparently worked w/ APEC in the early 90's and was recently off tour and hanging out in DC. The other one I met on Sunday while I was waiting for the bus. We got to talking and I mentioned that I'm at State, and he talked about his tours in Korea and stuff, including a cool one where he headed up motion pictures (US propaganda) post-Korean war.
is this a sign?!??!!? should i really consider this line of work? travel the world, work for USG, use cool abbreviations like S and UNP and EAP/RSP? i'm not sure. i don't really think so, because i'm really not too keen on moving every few years, i think i might like to be more involved in analytical stuff (as State seems to be very much into coordinating with other agencies who do the grunt work), and it seems to take its toll on your social life. Many FSO's tend to be married to FSO's, which is not a coincidence, and I have heard many stories about how this kind of life is very very difficult. When asked what is the worst part of their job, they invariably say "family life." mmm..

I'm meelting...melting...

2007-08-08T19:57:00.001-07:00

so it is way too hot here. god. at 9:30 PM when i came back i checked the weather report and it said it was 93, feels like 98...god...

it is so hot that i am too tired to eat my sandwich
it is so hot that ice cold V8 tastes not so acerbic (bitter or sour)
it is so hot that i can't concentrate
it is so hot that i am too lazy to study chinese, cram for the gre, look into job applications, or think.

i left some cookies out today and when i came back they were a big blob of chocolate and caramel. now it's sitting in my fridge.

life goes on.

bienvenue a dc nw

2007-08-05T19:15:00.000-07:00

mmmmmoved in to my little attic in the nw quadrant of dc...pics of my place are at picasaweb.google.com/chenfeilu, titled "The Attic and I". so far it seems quite nice, if not quite hot. but i can definitely manage to stay here for another month and change. aaaaaannd...break!

question: engineering????

Dear Diary

2007-08-03T17:52:00.000-07:00

Tonight is the last night I will spend at GW housing, and this weekend will mark the halfway point of my stay in DC, and I thought I might just give a little response to all that jazz.

I'll start with the State Department, I suppose. So far the experience has been ok, not jaw-droppingly awesome. Part of the problem is I really don't have a passion or strong interest in international trade policy, and I kind of have my hands full of it right now. Everyday seems to drag, and I'm doing a lot of busywork that I'm sure doesn't really matter. I've done some cool stuff though, like attending meetings for directors of East Asian and Pacific Affairs, writing memos and reports that have been sent to the APEC Secretariat and US Ambassadors, and just seeing news come to me before anyone else in America faces it.

I admit, though, that I haven't been the hardest worker. It's hard cuz I really don't have that much motivation. I've learned that State is not a place I really want to work, because I don't want to be knee-deep in policy and coordinating and writing reports that have to go through 80 clearances, so that by the time I get it back, it's not even the same thing. The lack of a potential future job offer is kind of a downer, and really makes me question why I'm here. 5 more weeks 5 more weeks

So I'm still not too sure what I want to do after college. I really just want to start over and go into a major that I could stick with for 4 years and get good at. The good thing about State is that it has kinda told me how I work, what I'm good at, what makes me tick.

I know that I prefer working on many things at a time rather than focusing on one of them.
I like knowing exactly what needs to be done.
I prefer working with numbers over writing reports.
I hate using the telephone; I like talking with people directly or email.
I hate large meetings. boo large meetings.

I honestly can see myself in any field now, and it's kind of pissing me off. blah.

In other news, I'm trying to do like 80 things, which includes learning Chinese, studying for the GRE (which is in a month...gah), reading like three books, and seeing if it's even worth my time to read orgo and bio. I am a beast.

Yep, that's pretty much it. My life is pretty tame, and every now and then I see some sights w/ my roommate or hang out with some interns. State's been kinda bad about getting us to meet each other, as it is a huge building and we all have "demanding" jobs.

today

2007-08-01T21:36:00.000-07:00

i've realized that the way you feel about a day is only as good as the way you feel during its last five minutes. this day was...blah.

zhongwen

2007-07-31T21:25:00.000-07:00

i got my chinese textbook and some chinese word processor. i am set for life.

is it too early to write a post?

2007-07-26T05:25:00.000-07:00

if i have nothing to say, yes. definitely yes. mmmm so life is pretty much work, eat, sleep, and trying to find room for harry potter reading. ok bye.

no title

2007-07-25T17:37:00.000-07:00

so.....today was a slow day. the highlight, mb, was drafting a memo, and writing it on behalf of the United States of America. that was kinda cool. other than that, blaaaaaaaaaaaah....it's time to do something else i say....

the good news is i'll be moving to a new place in about a week, and it's my OWN place (well sorta, it's the entire third floor of an old house in NW DC), so I can go to bed at 11 and not get disturbed by television or loud phone calls or the shuffling of feet. it's also in a quiet neighborhood, so i won't be woken up by a congregation of workers who always seem to talk loudly outside my room at 5 in the morning.

wisdom

2007-07-20T21:31:00.000-07:00

ahoy everyone from the district. a weekend well-needed and poorly-deserved is upon us, and i think i will certainly enjoy it. among the things i want to do are visit the washington monument and the capitol (both way overdue), and if there's time, maybe the spy museum or holocaust museum (umm yea it is not a hoax). plus, there is that book that's coming out that i'm gonna try to finish in a day and end up falling asleep on my desk chair with saliva dripping from my mouth onto those fresh, white pages of adolescent emo prose. yes, it is emo. harry is very very emo. with good reason, i guess...

well work has gotten a lot better. i seem to have like 80 things to do, all of it dealing with APEC, which is just this HUGE organization that seems to dabble in everything. i've so far been involved in a lot of things and i think it could be a lot of fun.

of course the problem is i'm not too sure i'm really all that good at writing reports and memos and representing interests at meetings and coordinating with people for the majority of my job. i think i'm a much better data-pusher and analyzer, which makes me a good investment banker or something...blaaaaaaaaah...i'd really like to know my chances of getting one of those jobs...

anyway, this weekend should be relaxing, and only 7 weeks till cleveland....

when will my check come?

2007-07-16T16:27:00.001-07:00

so i'm obviously too lazy and dumb to include pics in this blogsite, so i'll just say that i have a pic website for all your viewing needs.

so work at the state dept is ok. it's not really what i thought i'd be doing (in that i'm not using any math or economics at all). i've realized tho that economic policy work is blessfully devoid of any economics and it's really just plugging what other people think they want. my office deals primarily with Asian Pacific Economic Cooperation (www.apec.org) and preparing for the leaders' summit in september. i'm still trying to figure out exactly how apec is organized, as it is a massive bureaucracy, kind of similar, but by no means as complicated as the USG. while it is very cool to work for the government, it does take a while for things to go through...digression, please.

in terms of me, this summer has given me no time at all to think about what i want to do with my life. i see avenues down economics, finance, science, medicine, and engineering, which is bad, since i'm graduating this year. the problem is i don't know where my interests lie, and my skills are all over the place. i originally thought i didn't wanna do engineering, but now, after tasting a very premature bit of the business world, i think i want back. i'm pretty sure i don't wanna do foreign service or anything really related to the government at this point, and so now i'm a 19-year-old college senior in an irrelevant yet somewhat cool internship with not enough preparation to do science or engineering with not enough determination to do medicine with not enough two-piece suits to do finance with not enough sobriety to do economics. i am a roamer.

and so i roam. this weekend i trekked to the lincoln memorial, wwii memorial and natural history museum, all top-notch sites. the wwii memorial was striking because i found it to be very exceptional, and maybe the coolest thing the Bush Administration has erected so far. i liked the origins of life stuff at the natural history museum, especially the 30-year-old film with the dancing amino acids holding hands to form a polypeptide chain. they looked very very happy.

the summer is going by too slowly and i'm missing a lot of people very very much right now. sometimes the uncertainty and the isolation get me down, and the only thing i can hold onto is the hope that things work themselves out eventually, as they always do. peace yall.

2007-07-08T19:38:00.000-07:00

(friendly hello)

I'm reporting to all of you from our nation's capital (not New York), where I will spending my summer as an intern in the Department of State. If you are a spy looking for a source of classified information, please look elsewhere, because I know absolutely nothing and if I did tell you anything, it would probably be wrong, which would just be unfortunate for everyone. This internship isn't especially "relevant" to my career aspirations, but since I don't really know what I'm gonna do once I graduate, I figured that it would be fun to see the diplomacy machine at work.
So far it has been ok. I'm living at GWU and enjoying its proximity to all of the landmarks and such. I reeeally need to get a camera to take pictures with, though, and certainly I will post my visual findings here...I hope.
I'm still kind of shocked that I decided to relocate, because a few weeks ago, I was pretty set on working in Evanston at a financial advisory firm and enjoying the familiarity of campus. Then, the State Dept told me after 4 months that my clearance went through, and I figured, what the hey, when can I really ever do this again? So here I am, alone in a big city, biding my time by walking through Georgetown and the mall, and soaking in that sweet Potomac scent. It is a bit daunting living out here, w/o a real goal in mind. I feel like every growing second, I'm doubting more and more what I want to do with my life. If being away from the people I care about most will finally develop my independence and strength, then maybe this will be worth it. Let's hope so.

The world is a fine place and worth the fighting for...

2007-07-08T18:47:00.000-07:00

Good morning everyone. This will be attempt #3 of blog sites by yours truly, and while the previous attempts may have been saturated in excessive sarcasm, nihilism, or fear, I hope that this one will be as true to my spirit as it is candid.